Monday, December 06, 2010

My "God Ray" Morning





Many of you know that over the past nine months I have been struggling through some....well, let's just call them "issues" shall we? Anyway, these "issues" have chewed me up, spit me out, stomped on me, kicked me, and buried me. They have worn me down. I have allowed them to worry me, making me sick and questioning who I am and what I do until my passion is cold and useless.


Just like it always happens with stress, you become more susceptible to illness and so this weekend I have been fighting a terrible cold and the flu. My emotional defenses were down and so needless to say, I was a bawling mess. My poor husband! Not that he saw because I try to hide it. I do not like to burden him with these things--I think it's a little selfish to dump on him and so I do not. I sat silently weeping, wheezing and coughing my weekend away. I was trying to rest because I need to be at work so that the students can come in and work on their final projects. My sleep last night was that of the dead. I don't remember anything but getting up with the alarm. You think I sound like a martyr? My apologies but what I say about the students is true and I should be there for them.


I looked outside and saw that it was raining. "Perfect!", I said, "The rain will be reflecting my mood today." I bumbled along through the morning rituals: feeding the cats, brushing my teeth, and showering. My mood was so thick that I seemed set on automatic pilot and I didn't remember any of those rituals until the song Good Riddance came on the radio. Rain pounded the car and I turned up the volume.


"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test, and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time".


I started to sob. You know that sob where you can't catch your breath because you're so wracked with emotions your body allows them to take over. I pulled over into the McDonald's parking lot aware enough to know that I shouldn't drive like this. It's funny, I always think that I'm a strong person until one of these moments happens and then I feel weak, helpless, and afraid. All of these issues running through my mind, all of the questions unresolved, all as my stalwart resolve melts with the rain.


The radio seemed to grow a louder, "It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life." I could hear my inner voice saying, "You've learned your lesson just make the best of your test. It will be over soon."


And then the rain subsided. I wiped my face with my shirt, took a deep breath and opened my eyes. The sun was shining on my car--shining those beautiful "God rays" of light that every lighting designer in the world wishes they could capture for the stage. I no longer saw the rain as a reflection of my mood but rather a washing away of the bad. This was my answer, now I just needed to remember it. To remember it and move forward! LIVE! I can be the person with the passion because it's my passion not theirs. I can't allow them to take it because it is what makes me ME!





"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"


Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test, and don't ask why It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time


It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.


So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial For what it's worth it was worth all the while


It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.


It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.


It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.



--MH

2 comments:

Lee said...

Somehow I blundered onto your blog... seems like our lives are running parallel... god forbid. hehehe. Your stepford wives post was a hoot- you poor thing. Do they all say "bless her heart" out there too?? Feel better.

Monica said...

@Lee--Parallel Lives. I hope you don't have my life! However, FYI, the stepfords just say, "Oh my heck!" all the time!

Thanks for reading my blog. I write it mostly for me--so that I remember the important things, but it was nice to see a new face.

Thanks again.